Well with the good news that we received 2 weeks ago, we also received some disheartening news. 3 days later we had a phone with our case worker and she began to inform us that we would no longer be able to adopt 2 children under the age of 5. Because of some governmental stuff that I’ll attempt to explain later, we could adopt two under the age of 7, which would basically guarantee a 5 and 7 year old, or we could adopt one under 3 years old (Insert punch to the gut). Don’t they understand, we had planned this for over a year and a half now. We had our hearts set on 2 that were hopefully going to be around 3 and 5 years old. We were told we still adopt the age range that we wanted but because of some things the government is doing to speed up adoption of other age groups, we would be waiting another 2-3 years. Yeah….we’ve waited long enough.
Well as you could imagine, this was a hard decision for us. Tori took it the hardest. She explains in great detail how this affected her and where we go from here.
At the foot of the cross. That is where I am after what seems like 3 days of hell.
The news that our dossier had been FINALLY approved after waiting for 11 months for something that should have been only 8 weeks was such and incredible excitement that it had Jeremy and me giddy. Soon these two precious babies would be in our arms and our home.
And then came the phone conversation…
“Congratulations! You guys have waited so long for this. Let me walk you through the next steps…Oh and before we can really move forward, there has been a change in timeline. If you decide you want to stay on course for adopting two children under the age of 5, you will be waiting at least 2 years for a referral. Your options are to either choose 1 infant child under 35 months or two up to 7 years of age, being pretty well guaranteed you will have a 7 year old and a 5 year old.”
Loss of breath, heart pounding, utter confusion. How in the world were we going to make this impossible decision?
For the three days to follow, my world went black. My heart had felt like someone had ripped it out from my body and was taunting me with it. There was not right choice for me, because the only choice was the two I had been praying for, the two that I had dreamed about for over 2 years, the two that would run into my arms when I met them for the first time as their mom.
I was numb. I was bitter. I was in anguish. How could I ever be excited about either of these options when I know that none of them are the right one for my life, my family, my home? Hours were spent in solitude and in suffering. My tears did not cease every time I thought about “giving up” my two kids. Everyone with a different opinion was my enemy. How dare they not see my heart and my desires as the correct choice for my life. I know myself better than anyone knows me. They obviously just don’t get who I am.
But…What I failed to remember is that above all else, there is one even greater who knows me even better than I know myself. Where I least expected it…Truth surfaced. Reality was made clear to me again through the following questions.
Tori, what are you always telling me is the most important most central thing in life? The Gospel
Tori, who is the most important person in our lives? God
Tori, who is in ultimate control of our lives? Jesus
So…Tori, Put your money where your mouth is. Believe in what you say you believe in.
Ashamed…the only word left in my vocabulary to explain my emotions now. Pride has now taken ownership of my heart. The reality that I had made the idea of these two precious babies into an idol (something that was more precious than God to me) makes me sick. What makes me even more sick (which should clue you in to the fact that I am still not rescued from this sin) is that the people I wanted to be the most wrong are the ones who are right. I am the one with the wrong decision, the wrong ideal, the wrong choice. I am the crazy emotional basket-case that everyone always thought I was (cue lie from Satan).
As my pride begins to fall piece by piece away from my heart, freedom begins to take ownership again. I can finally say that I am growing in excitement about the opportunity to adopt ONE child from Colombia. There is room in my heart for that excitement because of the Gospel. When I remember that Christ came to die for me and that he took on my sin and my punishment so that I might have life free of condemnation, my sorrow and my despair no longer have a hold over my future and my life and the decisions that I make. Because there is freedom reigning in my heart, there is now room to love whatever child God places in our care. My hope is not found in my need for two precious children. My hope is found in the most precious of gifts I could have ever asked for; the life that was take on the cross in my place. My hope is found in Jesus. Nothing else will satisfy. Nothing else will please.
Where do we go from here? Well, first, we rehearse the gospel (God loves us and accepts us as we are; there is nothing i can do to lose his love and there is nothing I can do to earn it; it was secured for us by Jesus). We had turned a good thing (adopting two children) into a god thing (it became the thing we sought after and lived for).
Second, we are fairly resolved to now adopt one child under 35 months of age. We continue to pray that God heals the places in our hearts that yearn for two or worse when we get to Colombia to bring our beautiful baby (singular now) home, our mind wonders, what if? What if we could have adopted two? Could those two kids over there have been ours? So pray for us if you will.
Continue to pray that God provides the funds for this. Adopting one basically costs the same as two. God has blown us away so far and I have no doubt that he will provide. I mean, look at the graph on the home page. God did all that!
Thanks for reading this long blog and being so involved in our adoption. I (Jeremy) often am amazed at how many people we have rooting for us and how many have helped us along the way. I could never say thanks enough…